Even before Rory was born I began struggling with the decision regarding whether I would return to work or become a stay at home mom. It is quite possibly the hardest decision I will ever have to make. On the one hand, I absolutely love being a nurse. There is something about working in the medical field that thrills me. Utilizing the knowledge I gained over my four years in college while at the same time learning more and expanding my skill set gives me a sense of satisfaction. And there is nothing more gratifying then being able to make a difference with the work that you do. Being a nurse has given me a sense of purpose, feeling as if I am doing something worthwhile. During the beginning of my nursing career I had lofty aspirations. My plan was to spend a year or two working med/surg then find a position in a Level 1 Trauma ER, work there for several years then go back to school to become a Nurse Practitioner. After working as a CNP for many years I would finish off my career teaching at my alma mater.
Now I am not so sure.
I absolutely love being a mother. Waking up to Rory's smiling face every morning fills my heart with delight. My life has taken on a new purpose, one that involves sleepless nights and dirty diapers. There is nothing like the feeling of having a child be completely dependent on you for all of their needs. It is something that I know, without a doubt, I was meant to do. The thought of leaving him in the care of someone else makes me so sad. What milestones and precious moments will I miss while I am at work? Thinking about this last night almost brought me to tears. And yet there is that small voice in the back of my mind telling me that I am a business professional and to throw away all of my hard earned talents is a waste. It tells me that I need to go back to work to help support our family and that to stay at home is selfish. My fear is that with either decision I will have regrets.
I have the greatest respect for both working mothers and stay-at-home moms, I just don't know which one I am yet. Last night I applied for a position at the hospital on post. Part of me hopes that I get called in for an interview. Part of me hopes that I hear nothing. All I can do right now is pray that the right doors are opened and that God reveals his plans for me. Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I struggle with trusting in God's design. As a Type A, controlling person I want things to go exactly as I plan. Over the past few years the Lord has been teaching me to let go of this control. To put my trust completely in Him. That is what I must do now. Both my future and the future of our family are in His hands. So I pray and hope that I will find peace in whatever He has in store for me.
And as I look at Rory, I know that I will always be his mom, no matter what. And that is the greatest purpose of all.