Friday, February 22, 2013

The Pregnancy Files

During this pregnancy I have been exposed to other pregnant women, mainly during prenatal classes and while sitting in the OB waiting room. Observing their varied reactions and emotions in regards to their pregnancies, I have come to the realization that most women categorize this time in their lives as either:

1) The most beautiful/wonderful/amazing time in a woman's life. Otherwise known as the eternal optimists of the gestational camp, these ladies walk around with an effervescent glow 24/7 and never complain of aches and pains. Instead they utter such statements as "I have never felt more beautiful" and "I have so much energy, at 28 weeks I ran a 10k and set a new PR". My responses to these affirmations of prenatal bliss are  a) "She is blowing smoke out of her ass", and b)" I'll have some of what she's having!"


2) "This sucks, get this baby out of me!" On this end of the spectrum are the women who see pregnancy as a means to an end. In other words "Every party has a pooper that's why we invited you". Yes, these women look forward to the birth of their children with great anticipation but "do they really have to go through that whole (excruciatingly painful) birth process?" "Can't we just fast forward to the point when the cute, cuddly baby is plopped in my arms?"  Granted, some of the women that fall into this category really do have a bad time of it.  However, most are just whiners. Yes, I am referring to the chick waddling  into the elevator huffing and puffing while holding her back and shooting nasty glares at her husband. To you I shout "AT 18 WEEKS YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHIN' YET SISTER SO SUCK IT UP! AND STOP YOUR BITCHING...AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!"

As far as what camp I fall into, I'm sure Zach would probably say that I have been a bit cynical (aka whiny and, dare I say, bitchy) during the last 33 weeks. I will admit that I have had my moments of weakness but I feel that I fall into a third, much smaller, category of pregnant women.  We of the third camp don't really see pregnancy as a walk in the park, nor do we think that it is 40 weeks of pure hell. Our view of carrying a baby can be summed up by one word....."Weird".

Isn't it though? At what other time of your life do you experience such an odd array of symptoms/emotions/quirks/etcetera?  Some of these changes can be chocked up as wonderful and others as sucky, but in the end they are all just plain weird.  Dietary changes, inability to control bodily functions, narcolepsy during the day and insomnia at night, strange appendages pounding at the wall of my abdomen. I have either suddenly aged 70+ years or I have become Sigourney Weaver in that Alien movie where the alien baby explodes out of her belly.

Here is a pic of me at 31 weeks.  After posting this on FB, people where kind enough to lie comment that I look "cute, beautiful, and glowing".  I am sorry, but all I see is Mike Wazowski from Monsters Inc. The green sweater doesn't help. It is one thing to look at your expanding midsection in the mirror and think "aww, that's kinda cute". Its another thing entirely to have someone take a picture where you can actually see what you look like in your clothes. News flash, you look like a planet with your own gravitational pull.  I'm serious! I currently have two small dogs and a large plate of food orbiting my atmosphere at any given time.

And the cravings. The spur of the moment, sometimes disgusting cravings, that must be satisfied right now or so help me I will die of starvation!!! Sometimes followed immediately by projectile vomiting. I was lucky enough to only experience the nausea and up-chucks during the first 14 weeks. During this time I only wanted to eat one thing....Mac and Cheese. So I did. Every day. Every meal. Thankfully, once the second trimester arrived the nausea left and I was able to expand my diet.  Foods of choice included ramen noodles, cranberry juice cocktail, pita chips dipped in ketchup and lunchmeat sandwiches. Now I am in my third trimester and I crave food........mostly nutella.....on a spoon.

Another odd pregnancy symptom that could be chocked up to the random dietary changes (but most likely stems from raging hormones) is the pregnancy dreams. I am talking bizarre and intense REM acid trips! Here are two of my most recent dream sequences:

1) I go for my 34 week OB appointment only to find out that my OBGYN is Dr. Huckstable (Bill Cosby's character from the Cosby Show).  He tells me that the baby is all ready to be born and that he plans to induce me that evening. Score! We eat Jello and I laugh at his jokes. Then I wake up and realized that I have at least 7 weeks left in my pregnancy, Dr. Huckstable does not work at Bayne Jones Army Community Hospital, and there is no Jello in front of me. Moral to the dream....Reality is a heartless bitch.

2) This one is VERY trippy.  I am part of the zombie apocalypse world in the hit tv series The Walking Dead.  Only instead of belonging to a group of adept zombie killing survivalists I am accompanied by the four ladies of the new TLC series Gypsy Sisters.  You know who I am talking about? Loud with skin bearing rhinestone outfits. Basically the moral of this story is that white trash skanks do not make good zombie hunters. Needless to say this dream did not end well.

All in all, pregnancy has its ups and downs and I feel that I have weathered the storms pretty well.  It has been a very memorable (albeit weird) time and I must say that I do not regret any of it, maybe even loved certain parts of it! In fact, I think i will do it again sometime.  But for now.....GET THIS BABY OUT OF ME!

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