Portraits of 2015: Week 1

A miracle occurred this afternoon. 

Both of my children napped.

At the same time!

"Oh frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!" She chortled in her joy.

Of course Milo woke up as the paparazzi was sneaking away.

That's what happens when you get cocky.

Sigh.

It was glorious while it lasted.

 

On another note, I'm 7 weeks late to the party but I've decided to document pictures of the boys to see how much they change within a year. As they say "better late than never". Best excuse for procrastination ever.

I got this

It's hard to verbally express exactly what becoming a mommy entails. People will tell you that it is either;

1. "A magical time full of joy and love. Your heart will never be the same after you hold that little baby." Usually said by grandmothers who have been long enough removed from the trenches to fully remember the horrors that occurred there.
2. "SO MUCH FUN!!!! Kids are awesome!" This expression is often proffered by the parents who have been gifted with an angel-child aka child that never screams/flings poo/tries to stick metal objects into electrical sockets. That or they are just having a rough time of it and are trying very hard to convince themselves.
3. "Exhausting. You will never sleep again." A little bit pessimistic but trust the person that imparts this gem of wisdom. They may be a Debbie Downer but they speak the truth.

To be honest, it is probably impossible to describe the transition into the role of a mother. Especially seeing as no one experience is the same. However, after almost 2 years of being a mommy myself I have gathered enough evidence to safely say that there are in fact two transitions every mother goes through. The first begins when your new little bundle of joy is placed into your arms and you realize that, no, your life will never be the same again. I call this the period of adaptation. Here is where everything is a first and there are a lot of "what-the-*&#%" moments. This progression always coincides with the first child and will continue to occur sporadically for the 18 years following their birth. Anytime there is a new development/milestone a mother will have to adapt, call it mommy evolution if you will.

The second transition is the period of reaction. Here is where the mother has either seen it all before or no longer fears the unknown. Her mantra has become "I got this" and she handles all that is thrown her way with strength and cunning. She is the Mommy Veteran. And believe me you know when you have reached this level of expertise. This mom can:

• Simultaneously breastfeed an infant while spoon feeding yogurt to a toddler who is jumping from couch cushions to throw pillows across a bed of molten hot lava.
• Use the toilet with one foot propelling the swing that is holding a screaming baby all the while thanking her lucky stars that the toddler is napping and not in the bathroom with her unrolling the tube of toilet paper.
• Eat a meal in 1 minute flat.
• Save a baby from being suffocated by a training toilet without batting an eyelash while photographically capturing said event for future memory. Because these moments must be treasured. Case in point.......

• Use a promo code and score her kids an entire wardrobe for pennies. Yet somehow cannot find a pair of jeans that fit right postpartum.
• Chase the toddler in circles around the shower with a soapy washcloth and avoid stepping in the fresh pile of poop he just deposited on the tile.
• Coerce the toddler to tinkle/poopy/ "oh for goodness sakes at least fart!!!!" on the potty by bribing him with mint M&Ms. (Are you noticing a trend here?)
• Take professional quality photos of her offspring.

                                                          err....umm...wait a minute....

                                                  there we go.

• Write an entire blog post while her children are napping. Woot woot!
• Reenact WWE Smackdown with the toddler in the cereal aisle of Walmart in front an entire audience of Wal-martians.
• Expertly catch vomit with the nearest receptacle, whether it be trashcan, blanket, or her hands. At this point we can say that the Mommy Veteran is an expert in all things involving bodily functions.
• Dress her children. This is not as easy as it sounds.

      

                yes he is wearing a pair of lacy underpants around his neck. don't judge. 
And last but not least she can...

• Laugh her way through the hard times and shake it off (insert annoying pop song here).

I hope that my scientific research into the throes of mommy-hood have enlightened you. If you are going through either transition, hang in there, its a grand adventure. If you have yet to have children.......

IT"S SO MUCH FUN!!!!! KIDS ARE AWESOME!!!

Faces

Rory has many different faces and emotions for such a little guy.  Some are serious but most are just hysterical! Here are some of Rory's best mugshots.

 

The Gangsta. Yes, this is my 2 day old son casually throwing a gang sign. 

 The "I just pooped in my freshly changed diaper" face.

The GQ Model.  Watch out Ladies.

The "Take this binky from me if you dare" face

 The Penguin

The Punk

The Drunkard.  Shouldn't have had that last shot of milk.

And finally...

Pure Joy

3 Months

How time flies. It feels like yesterday I was waiting impatiently for a baby to arrive and now he's been a part of our lives for 3 months.  Words can't describe what it feels like to be a mother.  You expect a drastic transformation as in "Bam! Baby is here and now my whole world is turned upside down". It turns out the change is so natural, something you were meant to do all along. Even the sleepless nights have purpose and even though you are exhausted it is a good exhaustion. Everything seems to have a bright side now and there are less cloudy days. Each second matters and no moment is wasted.

Rory is a wonderful little baby. I always thought I would want to have a girl as my firstborn but now I am so glad to have a boy. It is so lovely to watch Zachary become more enamored with him every day. My heart melts when he leans down to kiss him on the forehead and I love to see the pride in his eyes when he looks at his son.

It is amazing how much Rory has grown in such a short time span. Part of me is sad that the changes happen so quickly and some days I find myself wishing that he could stay like this just a little bit longer.  He is developing his own personality, likes and dislikes. The other day he laughed for the first time and it was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. Every day brings new milestones and I wish I could capture them all in record to return to again and again.

Though he has not been here long I cannot imagine life without him. Rory is truly my sunshine and I am overjoyed to be his mommy.

April

May

June and July

Baby Mine

                                                               Rory Martin Vance
                                                      Born April 18, 2013 at 9:07 pm
                                                  Weight: 9 lb 4 oz   Height: 22 inches

Psalm 139:13-16  For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

The Pregnancy Files

During this pregnancy I have been exposed to other pregnant women, mainly during prenatal classes and while sitting in the OB waiting room. Observing their varied reactions and emotions in regards to their pregnancies, I have come to the realization that most women categorize this time in their lives as either:

1) The most beautiful/wonderful/amazing time in a woman's life. Otherwise known as the eternal optimists of the gestational camp, these ladies walk around with an effervescent glow 24/7 and never complain of aches and pains. Instead they utter such statements as "I have never felt more beautiful" and "I have so much energy, at 28 weeks I ran a 10k and set a new PR". My responses to these affirmations of prenatal bliss are  a) "She is blowing smoke out of her ass", and b)" I'll have some of what she's having!"

Or...

2) "This sucks, get this baby out of me!" On this end of the spectrum are the women who see pregnancy as a means to an end. In other words "Every party has a pooper that's why we invited you". Yes, these women look forward to the birth of their children with great anticipation but "do they really have to go through that whole (excruciatingly painful) birth process?" "Can't we just fast forward to the point when the cute, cuddly baby is plopped in my arms?"  Granted, some of the women that fall into this category really do have a bad time of it.  However, most are just whiners. Yes, I am referring to the chick waddling  into the elevator huffing and puffing while holding her back and shooting nasty glares at her husband. To you I shout "AT 18 WEEKS YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHIN' YET SISTER SO SUCK IT UP! AND STOP YOUR BITCHING...AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!"

As far as what camp I fall into, I'm sure Zach would probably say that I have been a bit cynical (aka whiny and, dare I say, bitchy) during the last 33 weeks. I will admit that I have had my moments of weakness but I feel that I fall into a third, much smaller, category of pregnant women.  We of the third camp don't really see pregnancy as a walk in the park, nor do we think that it is 40 weeks of pure hell. Our view of carrying a baby can be summed up by one word....."Weird".

Isn't it though? At what other time of your life do you experience such an odd array of symptoms/emotions/quirks/etcetera?  Some of these changes can be chocked up as wonderful and others as sucky, but in the end they are all just plain weird.  Dietary changes, inability to control bodily functions, narcolepsy during the day and insomnia at night, strange appendages pounding at the wall of my abdomen. I have either suddenly aged 70+ years or I have become Sigourney Weaver in that Alien movie where the alien baby explodes out of her belly.

Here is a pic of me at 31 weeks.  After posting this on FB, people where kind enough to lie comment that I look "cute, beautiful, and glowing".  I am sorry, but all I see is Mike Wazowski from Monsters Inc. The green sweater doesn't help. It is one thing to look at your expanding midsection in the mirror and think "aww, that's kinda cute". Its another thing entirely to have someone take a picture where you can actually see what you look like in your clothes. News flash, you look like a planet with your own gravitational pull.  I'm serious! I currently have two small dogs and a large plate of food orbiting my atmosphere at any given time.

And the cravings. The spur of the moment, sometimes disgusting cravings, that must be satisfied right now or so help me I will die of starvation!!! Sometimes followed immediately by projectile vomiting. I was lucky enough to only experience the nausea and up-chucks during the first 14 weeks. During this time I only wanted to eat one thing....Mac and Cheese. So I did. Every day. Every meal. Thankfully, once the second trimester arrived the nausea left and I was able to expand my diet.  Foods of choice included ramen noodles, cranberry juice cocktail, pita chips dipped in ketchup and lunchmeat sandwiches. Now I am in my third trimester and I crave food........mostly nutella.....on a spoon.

Another odd pregnancy symptom that could be chocked up to the random dietary changes (but most likely stems from raging hormones) is the pregnancy dreams. I am talking bizarre and intense REM acid trips! Here are two of my most recent dream sequences:

1) I go for my 34 week OB appointment only to find out that my OBGYN is Dr. Huckstable (Bill Cosby's character from the Cosby Show).  He tells me that the baby is all ready to be born and that he plans to induce me that evening. Score! We eat Jello and I laugh at his jokes. Then I wake up and realized that I have at least 7 weeks left in my pregnancy, Dr. Huckstable does not work at Bayne Jones Army Community Hospital, and there is no Jello in front of me. Moral to the dream....Reality is a heartless bitch.

2) This one is VERY trippy.  I am part of the zombie apocalypse world in the hit tv series The Walking Dead.  Only instead of belonging to a group of adept zombie killing survivalists I am accompanied by the four ladies of the new TLC series Gypsy Sisters.  You know who I am talking about? Loud with skin bearing rhinestone outfits. Basically the moral of this story is that white trash skanks do not make good zombie hunters. Needless to say this dream did not end well.

All in all, pregnancy has its ups and downs and I feel that I have weathered the storms pretty well.  It has been a very memorable (albeit weird) time and I must say that I do not regret any of it, maybe even loved certain parts of it! In fact, I think i will do it again sometime.  But for now.....GET THIS BABY OUT OF ME!

Dear Rory

Dear Rory,

Needless to say, Mommy is a little late jumping on this pregnancy bandwagon.  You were a happy surprise in late July but it was hard for me to really believe 100% that in 9 short months I would be holding my very own baby.  Reality hit me like a brick a few weeks ago when I entered the third trimester.  Not only do I have a globe in place of a midsection, but apparently I have a barrel of monkeys living inside of me. You move around with abandon, throwing punches and kicks as if you aim to be the next Jackie Chan. Yes this can be borderline painful, especially when the attacks are aimed at my spleen, but I happen to find it very endearing . There is something very comforting about your squirminess that makes the warm glow of motherhood wash over me.  I am more happy and excited than ever for your arrival.  Daddy is very excited for your birthday too, although he tries to hide it behind a rough manly demeanor ;) Whenever someone mentions you, a grin spreads across his face and his cheeks turn red. I can tell that he can’t wait to hold his little boy and teach you “manly” things like how shoot a BB gun and how to play video games. He is going to be an amazing Daddy and you are going to be one lucky boy!

As for me, I can only hope and pray that I am the best Mommy I can be.  I am both excited and terrified about your arrival.  But I have heard that motherly tendencies come naturally so I am hoping that basic instincts, accompanied by guidance from your very wise grandmommies, will rule the day. I can’t wait to hold you close, kiss the top of your head, and play with your little fingers and toes.  There is so much that I want to teach you and even more that I want to share with you.  We are going to have many grand adventures!

I love you so much already and that love continues to grow every day.

Mom