Tuesday, February 17, 2015

I got this

It's hard to verbally express exactly what becoming a mommy entails. People will tell you that it is either;
  1. "A magical time full of joy and love. Your heart will never be the same after you hold that little baby." Usually said by grandmothers who have been long enough removed from the trenches to fully remember the horrors that occurred there.
  2. "SO MUCH FUN!!!! Kids are awesome!" This expression is often proffered by the parents who have been gifted with an angel-child aka child that never screams/flings poo/tries to stick metal objects into electrical sockets. That or they are just having a rough time of it and are trying very hard to convince themselves.
  3. "Exhausting. You will never sleep again." A little bit pessimistic but trust the person that imparts this gem of wisdom. They may be a Debbie Downer but they speak the truth.
To be honest, it is probably impossible to describe the transition into the role of a mother. Especially seeing as no one experience is the same. However, after almost 2 years of being a mommy myself I have gathered enough evidence to safely say that there are in fact two transitions every mother goes through. The first begins when your new little bundle of joy is placed into your arms and you realize that, no, your life will never be the same again. I call this the period of adaptation. Here is where everything is a first and there are a lot of "what-the-*&#%" moments. This progression always coincides with the first child and will continue to occur sporadically for the 18 years following their birth. Anytime there is a new development/milestone a mother will have to adapt, call it mommy evolution if you will.

The second transition is the period of reaction. Here is where the mother has either seen it all before or no longer fears the unknown. Her mantra has become "I got this" and she handles all that is thrown her way with strength and cunning. She is the Mommy Veteran. And believe me you know when you have reached this level of expertise. This mom can:
  • Simultaneously breastfeed an infant while spoon feeding yogurt to a toddler who is jumping from couch cushions to throw pillows across a bed of molten hot lava.
  • Use the toilet with one foot propelling the swing that is holding a screaming baby all the while thanking her lucky stars that the toddler is napping and not in the bathroom with her unrolling the tube of toilet paper.
  • Eat a meal in 1 minute flat.
  • Save a baby from being suffocated by a training toilet without batting an eyelash while photographically capturing said event for future memory. Because these moments must be treasured. Case in point.......

  • Use a promo code and score her kids an entire wardrobe for pennies. Yet somehow cannot find a pair of jeans that fit right postpartum.
  • Chase the toddler in circles around the shower with a soapy washcloth and avoid stepping in the fresh pile of poop he just deposited on the tile.
  • Coerce the toddler to tinkle/poopy/ "oh for goodness sakes at least fart!!!!" on the potty by bribing him with mint M&Ms. (Are you noticing a trend here?)
  • Take professional quality photos of her offspring.

                                                          err....umm...wait a minute....

                                                  there we go.
  • Write an entire blog post while her children are napping. Woot woot!
  • Reenact WWE Smackdown with the toddler in the cereal aisle of Walmart in front an entire audience of Wal-martians.
  • Expertly catch vomit with the nearest receptacle, whether it be trashcan, blanket, or her hands. At this point we can say that the Mommy Veteran is an expert in all things involving bodily functions.
  • Dress her children. This is not as easy as it sounds.

                yes he is wearing a pair of lacy underpants around his neck. don't judge. 
And last but not least she can...
  • Laugh her way through the hard times and shake it off (insert annoying pop song here).
I hope that my scientific research into the throes of mommy-hood have enlightened you. If you are going through either transition, hang in there, its a grand adventure. If you have yet to have children.......


No comments:

Post a Comment